Oh Sunday.

To say I’m heart broken is an understatement.

I find myself in the awkward position of not knowing what to say.

Life will go on. Just don’t tell me to smile. I’m determined to save those for my daughters. They’re the reason I refuse to be dragged down. I’ve suffered and have had to deprive them of too much.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I can’t afford it.

We’ve all heard the saying fake it til you make it..

That’s exactly what I’m doing since I can’t afford to pay my gym membership this month.

I’ve created my own gym…

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Not pictured is my baby who’ll be used as weights and the jump rope I happened to stumble upon while doing my last load of laundry (I can’t afford detergent now either and I’ve run out of the samples I scored at the store).

Thing 1′s birthday is coming up. I’ve always been able to get her weird, crazy, silly gifts some too old for her age like the huge gum ball machine I got her when she turned 3, trips to children museums that required road trips…

I’d be lying if I said I woke up in the cheerful optimistic mood I promised on taking. Looking for the good in my situation seems like too much work today.

So again, if you don’t have to worry about what you’re going to eat next week, be thankful even if it’s not November anymore. Appreciate what you have, even if it seems small, every damn day.

Sunday confessions, again.

I made crust less quiche (whatever that means)!

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1. I checked myself out at the gym.

2. While taking a class I thought to myself why the motherfuck is this old uncoordinated mofo teaching Zumba?

3. I gave my fiancé expired half and half.

4. I lied to my parents.

5. I ate a huge cup of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate syrup.

6. I yelled and cussed at Thing 1 and 2 in my head. One cries, one whines… Lady can’t even poop in peace around here.

7. I think my friend’s baby is ugly.

In non-confession related news…

1. Fiancé finally got a job!

2. We’re still broke and will continue to be broke for another 2 weeks.

3. We’re planning out meals most of them involve chicken, salmon, steak and a lot of spinach.

4. We’re going full Paleo mode and I might try the Whole 30 challenge.

5. I decided that I’m worth this very special treat… Gingerbread coffee from the Joe’s!

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

The hip and the hop.

“I’ve decided we’re not going to be fat anymore,” my annoying fiancé proudly announced.

5 minutes later his idea of a healthy late night snack was 4 slices of cinnamon bread with peanut butter and bananas.

I excused myself from that madness tonight and had grilled chicken with a handful of grapes. I didn’t get to go to the Crossfit gym because my fiancé is being a dick and I’ve been neglecting my one-on-one time with Thing 1.

Yes, I refer to my two kids as Thing 1 and Thing 2.

So instead of driving an hour to Crossfit we opted to go to the gym and take hip hop which made me grind my hips in ways I didn’t think I could anymore. Afterwards, we headed off to Barnes & Noble for some well deserved hot chocolate and girly chit chat.

Maybe I’ll spice up my life by going to the gym in the morning tomorrow.

Exciting.

Good vibrations.

Power outage. Spoiled groceries. Broken laptop courtesy of Thing 1.

Just some more things I can add to a week of suck.

But let’s get one thing clear. When I write about not having money, post pictures of red and yellow notices, mention things and places I can’t afford I don’t do it with the desire to create some sort of online pity party. I complain because I want people who have enough or extra to take a deep breath and be thankful for not having to pick up pennies out of necessity.

There are people who are in worst situations than I am and I’m thankful for every day I’m alive and given another chance to make the best out of what I have. My two beautiful children, a fiancé who looks the other way when I don’t have the energy to shave my legs for weeks, and the most supportive parents a girl could ask for.

Life is hard, even for people who might have it all.

I found myself staring at all my new white hair a couple of days ago and wondering how much time I’ve wasted being bitter these last 2 years. Enough.

Enough.

I will still have a bad ass attitude, sass for days, and add two snaps and a twist when I feel the need no matter what but the bitterness?

Tossing that heavy, stale, unnecessary baggage out of my life.

I’m fully committing myself to being happy, healthy and fit.

Crossfit for the first time ever tonight, Paleo 4EVA, and the possibility of my fiancé finally getting a job! I’m crying sweet salty tears of joy, hope really is a beautiful thing to have. Never ever give up.

Laugh, love, appreciate.

Monday.

Zzzzzzz.

That’s what happened while I was writing last night… But here’s what I wrote.

I was going to post pictures today but I was too busy working out, twice. I managed to eat 90% Paleo with my only two slip ups happening during breakfast.

I had a tsp of sour cream and a tsp of peanut butter.

I did about 1.8 hours of cardio, including Zumba and lifted weights like a really weak boss.

And even though I only have $79 in the bank and have just enough to buy diapers and some questionable meat I refuse to lose hope.

I’m going to make it through this.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Crossing my fingers I come out looking like Annie Thorisdottir.

Sunday confessions.

This edition of Sunday confessions will be served with a side of bitter thoughts and stale ass attitude.

My eating habits were HORRIBLE. So horrible that I had to use caps lock.

I didn’t go to the gym at all this week. Didn’t even bother to go for any walks or do any exercise at home.

I ate a banana at Walmart and didn’t pay for it. I didn’t have the money and I was starving (I plan on buying an extra banana next time and just leaving it).

I hated my fiancé about 10 times this week and fantasized about smashing his phone over his huge head.

I did something that maybe wasn’t very nice.

I rolled my eyes again at my friend’s pictures and wished they were in my position for a second.

I also wished I had made better choices.

I said I would post pictures tomorrow and I will but I’m fatter than ever. Like I mentioned in my previous post I’m an emotional eater and right now I’m just eating to forget.

I’m not even hungry but there I am just staring aimlessly into the fridge, grabbing junk, and stuffing my face. It’s like I don’t care anymore but I do.

I swear I want this lifestyle change. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to be able to have self-control, will power… How is it that even after hitting rock bottom on so many levels I still can’t say enough?

I keep saying and promising that tomorrow will be better, this week will be better, hoping that something will happen…

Maybe tomorrow will be different.